Candles For...

The Middle Child 

Who are you again?

The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you're in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain't all that. The only people who think so are #1. my older siblings and #2. my dumb parents. And I haven't even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.

 

Purple Haze Scented (Grape)

 

ZERO FUCKS

None to give.

We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. None to give.

Creamsicle Scented 

 

NAMASTE

Ommm.

I'm not saying yoga pants make you look 20% hotter, but I'm not saying they don't, either. So let's all take a moment to silently express our gratitude for yoga pants. And by "silently express," of course I mean post that shiznit immediately to your IG, FB and Twitter accounts. It's not going to post itself, darling. Then go make yourself a green smoothie and meditate on how much more evolved you are than the rest of the great unwashed.
 

Om Scented (Lavender & Eucalyptus)

 

CAT PEPOPLE

Hairball much?

Your cats are circling the tub, but don't count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don't judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don't leave the toilet seat up. Most days.

Warm Milk Scented

 

DOG PEOPLE

Smells like drool.

But you're used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I'd say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we're wearing matching dog bone jammies.

.....

Grassy Dog Park Scented 

 

FUCKING MEETINGS

Meetings.

The icing on the arsenic cake that is any weekday morning, afternoon or evening. And speaking of evenings... didja have to schedule the WebEx for 6:15 p.m. on a Friday, Becky? All to tell me you’d put feedback in the Powerpoint? Because you couldn’t put that in a fucking email? Don't worry. I'll text you all my feedback on Saturday around dawn.
 

Bourbon in My Coffee Scented

 

ZERO CARBS

Oh, it's a cauliflower cupcake. It's... tolerable.

These days, carbs are more reviled than Satan himself. Hold your nose as you walk past that bakery and whip up some more butter-fried cheese with a heavy whipping cream chaser as you see the fat melt away…or not. In any case, vodka will do just fine.
 

Cucumber Water Scented

 

OKAY MOMS

Congratulations.

You’re the world’s okayest mom! I’d get you a mug except I swore off giving gifts years ago when one person from high school forgot to publicly wish me a “happy birthday” on Facebook and destroyed my love of holidays forever. But let’s face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and loads and loads of naps.

 

Sippy Cup Wine Scented 

 

 

THE YOUNGEST

Well, your brother needs new shoes.

 

Mom packed lunches, signed permission slips, and dropped off your siblings at school before moseying down to the hospital for your arrival, so the story goes. And you consider yourself lucky that someone even remembered to take you home. But don’t worry, your turn will come… someday. In the meantime, dig through this pile of hand-me-downs for new school clothes, oh, and could you please do it in your corner of the room where you won’t be in everyone’s way?

Baby Lotion Scented

 

 

THE FIRST CHILD

You just had to have your own soap.

 

Well, it's only natural that you should get a soap. You were first, right? You're the eldest. The most important. And... the undeniable guinea pig, the one who is the most responsible, and the one who MUST succeed at all costs. No pressure there, right?

 

THE TROPHY HUSBAND

Sup.

See that guy sitting poolside in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon like he doesn't have a care in the world? Yep, that's me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I'm telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She's the breadwinner around here and I'm a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. And get back to work, corporate slave. Your break is over.

 

ONLY CHILD

 

Sharing?

Never heard of it. Y'know, I'll never understand, well, any relationship where I'm not the center of attention. See? Look at my phone. Ten new unread messages from Mom and four from Dad. And we all Skyped like 20 minutes ago. But don't worry! I'm super adorable and the most important person on earth so you'll never get sick of me. Don't believe me? Ask my parents.

 

BESTIES

 

Let's unpack this.

And by that, I mean let's unpack everything. I have soooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you 12 hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We've got our own girl gang and we don't need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. 'Cuz we're not doing this sober.

 

OVERTHINKING

Let me overthink that...

Yeah, I know you only asked how my weekend went but I'm a little torn here. I mean, I got dumped but I wasn't really into him, so that's a non-issue, but will it make me sound callous? I mean, he ate chicken wings with a fork and knife and everything. But then I binge-watched You yesterday so it ended on a really high note and I'd way rather talk about that, but what if you ask me about my relationship and then I have to pretend that we're still together and....

 

FAKE NEWS

Smells like twitter.

Not MY Twitter. Mine is filled with completely factual alternative facts like "pizza is a salad" and "the world is two years old" and "I was the prom queen AND king four years in a row." What? Don't debate me on this. I'll just tweet FAKE NEWS and be a winner like always. Know what you are? SAD.

Orange Kool-Aid Scented

 

DAY DRINKING

It's ten a.m. somewhere.

Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don't feel guilty about it. It's exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don't want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.  

Mojito Scented

 

PANDEMIC LINE - WORKING FROM HOME

Oh yay...

Another zoom meeting in ten minutes. I'm still on the one that started two hours ago and I don't think it's ever gonna end. How the heck am I supposed to refill my coffee mug with more whiskey now? 

Whiskey with a Splash of Coffee

Limited-Time Candles: Adapted from the prize-winning design from our Design Your Own Soap Contest. A portion of the profits will be donated to Feeding America. Working From Home contest design submitted by Gigi Greene.

 

PANDEMIC LINE - ESSENTIAL WORKERS

V.I.P. coming through...

Make way, make way! Turns out I'm "essential." Yeah, yeah, all I do is make sure you get the ranch dressing you wanted for your curbside pickup but THAT MAKES ME ESSENTIAL! And I've got it in writing.

Black Market Hand Sanitizer (Bright lemony clean scent)

Limited-Time Candle: Adapted from the prize-winning soap design from our Design Your Own Soap Contest. A portion of the profits will be donated to Feeding America. Essential Worker contest design submitted by Ashley Billmyer.

 

PANDEMIC LINE - TIGER KING

Hey all you cool cats and kittens...

There's nothing better than memorializing the Spring of 2020 with your very own Candle for the Tiger King. But beware. We can't promise it won't attract tigers to your tasty limbs. Just ask Carole Baskin's husband, if you can find him.

Sardine Oil On Your Boot Scented (With notes of teakwood & cardamom)

Limited-Time Candles: Adapted from the prize-winning soap design from our Design Your Own Soap Contest. A portion of the profits will be donated to Feeding America. Tiger King contest design submitted by Jessica Headley.

 

PANDEMIC LINE - CLASS OF 2020

Virtual graduation?

Thanks, but no thanks. I'll just crawl back into bed and resume crying myself to sleep in my unused formal dress. Maybe watch another dystopian movie a and wonder why everyone acts so surprised by this ubiquitous plot line. 

Zoom Champagne Toasts

Limited-Time Candle: Adapted from the prize-winning soap design from our Design Your Own Soap Contest. A portion of the profits will be donated to Feeding America. Class of 2020 contest design submitted by Emily Beal.

 

SOCIAL ANXIETY

I'm *cough* super sick

Otherwise, I would TOTALLY go to your [insert any social event here]. You know how much I love mingling. It's just that I broke my glass eye again and then I set the waterbed on fire. Silly me, I know. We can catch up later this week ... in text.

Vodka Vitamin Water Scented

 

GRAMMAR POLICE

Smells annoying.

Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you're, thanks to Facebook trolls. True, it was something the rest of us learned in first grade, but what the hell. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else's grammatical errors. Trust me, you're still making some.

Jelly Doughnut Scented

 

NAPPING

Yawn.

Oh sorry, I can't make it. I know I said I'd help you pick out a new shelving configuration at IKEA today, but it turns out I'll be sleeping for the best part of the day. Yes, and on Sunday. What do you think weekends are for? Yeesh. If people expect me to actually DO stuff all week long, the weekends belong to me. And my bed. And my dog. Stop texting already, freaks.

Mtn. Dew Sugar Crash Scented

 

MORNING PEOPLE

Smells like a hell no.

Everyone knows I love mornings. Especially when they start after two, two-thirty in the afternoon. That way I can combine breakfast, lunch, and dinner into one healthy tomato smoothie. With vodka. A lot of vodka. And two pots of coffee as a follow-up. It's called coping, people. I have PTSD from not being invited to a single Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year.

BROMANCE

Frisbee golf date?

I used to consider you a lone wolf, but that's all in the past now. Yeah, I saw you buying that growler of Belgian dark ale for your new beer-whispering bestie. And what about the weekend guy trips to breweries and sporting events posted on your Instas? I gotta say, I'm loving this new lighter side of you. It's just so precious.

Testosterone Light (Teakwood and Cardamom) Scented

 

BEING AWESOME

Cool story, bro.

You know how some people try really hard to be awesome and other people are just naturally that way? It's like the difference between some suuuper lame story about like, college credits or your thesis, and a totally awesome story about jumping really high or explosions. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Bro.

One Surfing Lesson (Ocean) Scented

 

IT'S FINE

No, really. It's fine.

I'm totally not going to write anything for this soap. It's fine. I'm sure you're fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it's fine. Not payback or anything. I'm fine.

 

MANSPLAINING

So THAT'S what coffee smells like

You know, I've always smelled it around the office and wasn't quite sure what it was. I'm so glad you're around to explain it all. It can get pretty complicated for me when it comes to knowing anything. Case in point: when you showed me how to correctly sharpen a pencil, it was like, mind-blowing. Thanks, man. From the bottom of my heart.